Friday, April 27, 2012

Remembering

I once had a paper to write in college listing things I heard and saw, and felt. I was only a child then. I do not have that paper, but remember the assignment well.

Right now I hear bubbles being blown in to a bathtub full of water by a sweet 8 year old boy who loves to take baths. A basketball is bouncing outside  by a 10 year old who is told can not participate in competitive sports. A little dog scratches on the back door to come inside because he hates to be away from his man/boy master. I see a messy house in front of me. A product of a house lived in by a family grateful to live in it. However I do feel overwhelmed at all that I should be doing and I dont do. The wind blows hard outside. I had never seen a palm tree, now they are the trees I live among. Now the boy in the bathtub splashes and spits. He thinks I cant hear him spit. He laughs. The windchime is playing it's song on the back patio. I always wanted windchimes and I finally got some about a month ago. The sound is calming. A tune plucked out by the Master of wind. I look around the room and see things that feel like gifts. A pair of worn boys tennis shoes. Bright and colorful socks loved by a 12 year old girl who I cherish. A clock that tells me soon my beloved will be home.

I wish I could go back and read what I wrote then. Before I knew the real gift of all the sounds and sights and feelings. Before love and before heartbreak. Before wisdom that comes with life experiences. I wish I could read what I wrote, but I do not desire to go back and feel what I felt. An emptiness would surely fill my heart. A life not yet lived. Lives not yet created. Love not yet felt.

I am human, I sometimes wonder what might have been if Adam were still alive. The scar on my heart healed but still aches at the thought of a young man taken so early. A man I loved, and was loved by in return. I wonder if he sees us. I wonder if he loves my children. I know he is happy. I imagine he plays his guitar with David and sings his favorite worship songs with the angels. "As the deer panteth for the water, so my soul longeth after thee. You alone are my hearts desire and I long to worship thee."

Happy birthday. Years gone by not on Earth, but in Heaven where birthdays are eternal. You are in my dreams and never far from my thoughts. Paul thanks you for loving me before he did. Our children are gifts that we cherrish.

I am no poet, but my words come from my heart. The sights and sounds are different now. A clean boy sits down to a computer. A little dog eats his crunchy dog food. A brother and sister play outside together in a rare moment of sibling love. I feel an ache in my chest, but I know this ache well. It will subside and life will move quickly again. But I will remember and move on the way I have been created to do.

2 comments:

Christa Cannon said...

Good grief, Sarah...stop making me cry at work!

This was beautiful, and I'm so glad you're sharing all of it with us. You claim not to be a poet, but do you know how many poets strive to feel as you do, and to put it so elegantly in black and white?

Your life is one beautiful, epic poem...and I love reading each stanza as it's written. :)

And...happy birthday, dear Adam!!!

Teacher/Mom said...

One of the most powerful posts I've read anywhere. May God keep the memories fresh in your heart until you meet up in heaven.