Alli's feet in a resting position
Shock is such a strange word. As the word comes out of my mouth the feeling seems to buzz my tongue. Shock. I've had quite a few shocks in my life. Some good ones, a lot of bad ones. But hindsight really is 20/20 because through all these shocks I have unhappily hiked through, I have learned even more lessons than I ever thought possible. I will be bold and assume I am in the midst of yet another life class.
I know I have written so much about Wyatt and his CMT here on this blog. I have let out my feelings. I have grieved and rejoiced with you, readers, here on this site where my fingers do the talking. Right now, I am certainly in the middle of yet another grieving process because our daughter, Alli, was diagnosed with CMT this past week.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance are commonly known as the five steps of grief. I would love to say I am at the accepting stage...but that would be a bold face lie. I think I lie somewhere in between anger and bargaining at this moment. Im mad that my little girl has to go through this, and I am trying to talk God in to making it all go away. I'll let you know when I move on to the depression state. Woo hoo...something to look forward to.
I think this is a different kind of hard for me. Alli is my girl. My only girl. Girls are different, you know? We look forward to things like Daddy/daughter dances, and prom, and of course...our wedding day. As a mom, I look forward to watching these events take place with all our kids, but if I am honest...yeah..I kinda get more excited about Alli meeting these milestones. Now, it's all...well...different. Before these things seemed so clear to me. I could imagine what she will look like at these events in the future. Now her future image is all different. Will she be in pain? Will she have defined deformation? Will she be walking at all? If I have my way...she will!!
The first day was really hard on her. A lot of crying. She knows what this disease is. She has helped with her little brother as he struggled. She has stuck up for him when other kids say things about his braces. She has also known all about how the progression of CMT works and now it is all hitting her that these things now apply to her. It's all hitting me too.
I honestly feel like I should have noticed signs of the disease earlier. I feel like a bad mom. I didnt put two and two together. It's all so obvious now. The clumsiness, the millions of toes stubbed, the crashing her bike, the skinned knees, the frustration she felt because she just couldn't do a cartwheel. She always had high arches...Why did I never look more closely at her feet? Why all of a sudden does it all make sense, and why does it have to be her? Let it be me...not her. That is the bargain I want. But apparently I have to put my trust in God and know that He knows she can handle it. I'm trying....I'm trying.
Please, dear reader, if you take anything from this poorly written blog at all....know that I blame no one. Not God, not the gene pool, not anyone. It's just life. Life happens. There is no reason to blame...it does no good. I learned that from previous life lessons. Maybe all that life learning I have done has better prepared me for this time of my life. I hope so because at this moment; every time I see her catch herself before she falls (which I never paid any attention to before...just chalked it up to being clumsy like her Mom) or when I look at her beautiful feet and think how perfect they were when she was born, and how much they have changed and the uncertainty of what they will look like in a month, a year, 5 years....I feel like breaking down in to a huge pool of tears. But I must keep it together. I must hold her when she cries, I must pick her up when she falls, I must encourage her, I must be the mom she needs. I cant let the shock sting me. I have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again.