Mental illness and my family part 2

So much on my mind, but where to start? Hmmm. Well This blog has proven to be an outlet for my thoughts, why change now? Lately I've received comments and letters about my last blog. Who knew I could be so controversial? I think it's because the subject of mental illness is one that so many people are so timid to talk about, and the ones that think they know all about it are usually the ones who know nothing. Those of us who live with a loved one with it, or live with mental illness' ourselves are no experts by any means, but we know what has gone on in OUR families, with OUR loved ones, no one else's. I cant tell you about your bi-polar Aunt or Uncle, Grandma or mother because their condition is most likely completely different that the condition that plagues my family.
I will say that when I wrote my last blog, I was bitter in my emotions and I told my husband as soon as I wrote it that it was indulgent on my part to write such words. But that's what it's like loving someone with mental instabilities. Some days you just have to indulge yourself and feel a little sorry for yourself for missing out on that person you love that deals with the illness themselves. It's more than easy to have a feeling of loss when you technically loose someone to their own mind.
My main goal in writing my last blog was so that others out there know they are not alone when those feelings of loss come your way. I also was in a state of disappointment as to how my mom was acting on Mother's Day.
I would like to take this opportunity to tell you all a little more about our particular situation. In the last writing I did, I told you about my mom's specific dilutions, but I did not explain very well how well she can hide those thoughts and delusions from other people. This is discouraging for her family. More than discouraging. Down right frustrating. If you go and visit my mom, on most days to most people she will seem happy, talk about appropriate things, and seem almost energetic. This is NOT my mom. This is a facade. I wish I could express to people how hard it is to live with this constant change in personality.
Neila is a wonderful friendly woman, and in two minuets can become bitter, hateful, spiteful and well...crazy. The lies fly out of her mouth even though she cant help it. She has spread rumors so much about my father, that some people actually believe them! They dint know the heartache that my Dad has been through when doctors, friends, relatives have believed hurtful things that she has said about him that just are not true. My father has spent 40+ years spending all his money, giving all his heart, giving every ounce of extra time to the heath care of my mom. Is everyone perfect? NO! We all want to give up sometimes. Has he given up a few times? Yup. So have I. So have my brothers. So has old friends of hers. But eventually, we get right back on this crazy mental illness horse and drive on.
If I could tell people one thing about dealing with MY mom, it would be...don't be fooled. Will people listen to me? No. They will go visit her, listen to her, and then make their own decisions on what they believe.
One other note that I would like to make since I am on the subject is this. If you knew Neila since she has been an adult, you probably didn't know her at all. Her "happy face" is very convincing. She could go to church, talk wonderful things about her family and children... and then come home and lay in bed for days.
No one except our family knows the hurt that she has caused. So please, before sending me hate mail, Please believe my family when we tell you that she is not, nor has she been sane for many many years. How much more proof do you need? Do you need me to give you specific examples of things she has done? Like making my brother eat potato chips when he had the stomach flu because in her mind that was the cure? How about painting my fingernails when I was a little girl, then turning around and telling me I was being "goddy" and unchristian like for having such polish on my nails. Or maybe you would like to hear more stories of her lying to my father and telling him that I had lied, or been bad while he was gone and then me getting in trouble because he obviously would believe his wife. Yes, this has been my life with my mom. You may have seen her outside of our house. You may think you know her. You could have been with her moments before she did one of these things and she could have told you she was your best friend, and you would believe her. This, my friends, is called mental illness.
Have you ever heard of medications such as haldol, seraquil, respridol? These are major medications for major psychological disorders. She is on the highest doses of all three of these, plus two more, plus other anti-anxiety and anti-depression medications. When will people see that she is not ok? When will people stop blaming her family? When will our voices be heard? That is the point of this blog. My voice is out here. Whether you hear it or not is up to you. Many of you have given my family support throughout the years, and I don't want you to think I am talking to you. Please, you know who you are. But others, others don't believe or support us. That is hard.
This bit of writing is only a taste of my life. I trust in God more than you can imagine. I know he CAN heal her! He has brought me through the death of my first husband, the diagnosis of muscular dystrophy of my son, depression myself, financial hardships, and in this year alone, a hysterectomy which I did not want and grieved over because I wanted another child, and lastly back surgery. God HAS brought me on the other side of all of these things! God has been my rock. God sent me a wonderful husband for a partner, not to mention a Dad who has supported and been there for me through all of these times. Three amazing children that I dreamed of having! These things are not God's fault. I do not see them as that at all. I see them as life. Life happens. (as does poop) We get through it with the help of God and one day we see the other side.
We will see the other side of Neila's illness. God can choose to heal her at any moment, I do not doubt that. I would be tempting God to say that he would do it right now at this moment. The timing is not up to me. It is up to Him. So, like I said in my last blog...if it doesn't happen in this lifetime, I look forward to getting to know my mom when we both make it to Heaven one day. I will also get to see Adam, Wyatt will be healed, There will be no depression or financial difficulties, my back will be healed and everyone there will be God's children. I win. You win. We all win in Heaven.