Mental illness and my mother

Well, another Mother's Day has come and gone. Every year is bittersweet for me. The sweet is obvious...I love being a mom and I am blessed beyond what I ever thought I could be just by having the children that I do. The bitter? Not so obvious to those who dont know me well.
My own relationship with my mom leaves that taste in your mouth that you get after you have eaten something that tasted good while chewing, then leaves a weird aftertaste once it has gone down the gullet. Maybe I can explain, maybe I cant...even I dont understand the complex relationship. I think I will try by merely telling you about my mom.
Neila Kay Pelham was born in rural Iowa to two loving parents. The youngest of many half siblings and one full sister, she grew up happy and loved being a Daddy's girl. The stories that I can remember her telling me about her childhood usually include her Dad getting up early to make pancakes or times that she would spend outside alone with the cows or her sister.
When she was in her teens, from what I know, she met my Dad at youth group at a rural church. My Dad was there because he heard there were cute girls there, and my mom was there to find Jesus. She found Jesus and my Dad and they got married right after she graduated high school.
I guess I dont really know a whole lot about the years that follow. All I know is that Maurice and Neila Overturf loved each other and started a family. My Dad felt a call to the ministry and they left Iowa to go to Gulf Coast Bible College in Houston, Texas. My mom had her nursing degree and worked and had two boys and then something seems to have snapped.
Back then they called it "manic depression". I wasnt alive yet, so I cant even pretend to know the details of how it all started. I cant imagine it was easy for her to realize her mind was playing tricks on her or that she couldnt control the feelings of depression followed by a high of hyperactivity. Seven years later, she had me and I can only give you my version of her story from there on out, because she hasnt given her view in quite a few years.
I was born in Joliet, Illinois. Soon after I was born, my mom was again hospitalized for various reasons. Some physical, some mental. My grandmother and my Aunts came over to Illinois to take care of me for a while to give my Dad a little break from his responsibilities of being a full time pastor and father to three kids, one being an infant, and having a wife in the hospital. The next few years I dont understand.
I know that when I was 2 we moved back to rural Iowa. I have heard stories of me being there before my parents staying with various relatives, but I dont know for sure how it all happened, and Im sure it is as much of a blur for my parents as it was for a 2 year old little girl.
The next 16 years were no different. Mom was in and out of different mental institutions, giving her different diagnosis' and different medications. I know this was hard on my Dad, the man that loved her very much...but who also had many responsibilities on his plate. I can honestly tell you it took a village to raise me. A collective effort by many loving people from our church and relatives who took their turn. I can honestly say to you that I have never "known" Neila Overturf. I know this woman with that name who gave birth to me. I know this woman named "mom" who came and went not only physically but mentally sometimes. Often she was "there" just not all "there". Somehow, even though we would physically be together sometimes, we detached ourselves emotionally from one another.
Manic depression is weird. It's something you probably cant understand unless you have lived with someone with it, and even then...well...some of us still dont understand.
Neila was always a very spiritual person. A woman of faith. A prayer warrior. I cant even tell you how many times she has read the bible cover to cover, but Im sure it would astonish even a bible scholar. So it would make sense that when her mental illness started to progress it took form as a religious dilution.
We have all heard the phrase, "The bride of Christ". Well, for some reason, my mom's brain took it literally, and she became "married" to Jesus.
What's hard about being married to Jesus is that you cant really raise an Earthy family very well when you are living a heavenly life here on Earth inside the prison of your mind.
Neila Overturf, or Kay Pelham as she sometimes calls herself, is now detached completely from the real world.
If you meet her, you may think she is just on the strange side of normal. She can hide her delusions from many people, tricking them into thinking that she is sane. But ask her to tell you about her husband and I guarantee she will not tell you about Maurice Overturf, she will tell you about Jesus Christ.
Jesus is her earthly husband. They have a physical relationship and they have two children together who live in heaven. That's just the beginning.
Diagnosis' have changed. Bi-polar, schizophrenic, schizo-something disorder, delusional, the list goes on and on. A doctor recently told my Dad that she is currently taking the highest doses of the 5 top anti-psychotic medications and she is still not living in reality. She has told me more than once that she is sorry but she cant be my mother anymore.
Each day is different in the world that my mom lives in. Depending who she talks to, or the chores of the day...things may change in her mind. Some days she calls me to talk to me, other days she forgets that I exist.
Neila Overturf lives in an institution in Iowa. Not one that I would choose for my mother to live in, but insurance guidelines and state mental illness funding choose this institution for her. I visit when I am in Iowa, but my children are not allowed to visit their Grandma due to the other types of people who live in the same institution. Sex offenders, criminally insane, "no where else to stick ya" people all live there. When invited to Easter dinner, my mom declined being with her children and grandchildren.
Yesterday, as my amazing children and wonderful husband celebrated me, I contemplated on how very blessed I am to be the mother of my husband's children. I cherish my kids. As a child myself, every year on Mother's Day, I choose to celebrate my mother as well. Every year it gets a little harder to do so. I did the usual stuff, I sent her a gift, I called her on the phone.
Yesterday I was reminded once again that even though I have a mom living on this earth in a physical form, my mother is gone.
Neila Kay, I pray each day that you will be released from the confusion. That the prison that your mind lives in will grant you a permanent leave of absence. I pray that the one true God understands you and loves you and will welcome you into Heaven's gates one day with his arms wide open and you will truly understand the love of the true Jesus of Nazareth. Until then, Im here. Im your daughter. I miss a mother that I never really knew. I cant wait till one day in Heaven when I get to meet the real Neila for the first time, and I can finally feel the love of a mother that I have desired my whole life.